The Battle Lay of Guumbah, Night Elf Warrior

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The Battle Lay of Guumbah, Night Elf Warrior

Post by goomba_boy » 24 Nov 2004 01:56 pm

OOC

I started writing this during the beta - whenever I start into a new MMO I have to write a story or two to make the world come alive for me. I usually do drama, but in a fit of idolization of Terry Pratchett I decided to take a shot at a humorous story instead. Although the name remains the same as my current main, this story has nothing to do with the RP story of Guumbah as he is today. Oh, and the Dwarf parts were in there before I petitioned SO, so this story isn't an "intentional" effort to suck up.

/OOC

Foreword

We all do things we aren't proud of when times are tough. Shortly after arriving in Auberdine I made the acquaintance of several ladies of "negotiable affection" who relieved me of my cares, my sobriety, and finally my cash, in that order.

As I was not able to pursue my main profession as a hunter, I decided to fall back on my secondary skill as a scribbler, hoping to find those in need of a man of letters for a few coins. After a few weeks of writing letters to home for Dwarves, nature journals for Night Elves, and technical documents for Gnomes I was contacted by a Night Elf "warrior" who wanted to commission me to craft a "glorious battle poem" that would exalt his courageous deeds in and around Darkshore.

Originally I was excited about such a commission - epic battle lays bring in a good chunk of silver when the subject is cast in a sufficiently heroic light. I figured that I would be able to get back to the hunting game once I completed this commission. I probably should have taken the time to check the facts of the story before I did that reading to a packed house in the Auberdine Inn common room, but I was blinded by the thought of that silver crossing my palm.

Things fell apart almost immediately. Who knew that the very people that were mentioned in this tale would be sitting in the crowd that night? At least I was able to talk to them and get the full story after I was laughed off of the stage halfway through my recital.

Anyway, after that fiasco I was washed up in the scribe business. I'm back to Hunting now, not by choice but by necessity. Just to set the record straight, here is the full text of "The Battle Lay of Guumbah, Night Elf Warrior", complete with my "corrections".

Signed,

Lex Biblio, Hunter, Ex-Scribe

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The Battle Lay of Guumbah, Night Elf Warrior (cont)

Post by goomba_boy » 24 Nov 2004 01:59 pm

The Battle Lay of Guumbah, Night Elf Warrior

There was an expectant hush over the village of Auberdine. For weeks the villagers have been gossiping about the impending arrival of the greatest warrior that the Night Elf race had ever produced. All eyes were on the sea, awaiting the moment that Guumbah would arrive in Darkshore.

(The only eyes on the sea that day were the hair care product vendors, who can spot a easy mark as well as any used sabercat merchant - Lex)

At long last a ship loomed into view. Guumbah had finally arrived to defend the good people of Auberdine against its enemies. Throngs of cheering villagers threw flowers as Guumbah's ship glided up to the pier. Village Elders, eager to gain an audience with Guumbah, waited anxiously as the gangplank was lowered. A hush spread across the crowd as the imposing figure of Guumbah strode down the gangplank.

(According to eye witnesses, there were two fisherman and a seagull on the dock when Guumbah's ship arrived. In all fairness, the seagull did seem to be anxious - he relieved himself on Guumbah's shoulder as he flew away - Lex)

Clad from head to toe in shining plate armor so bright you had to shield your eyes, Guumbah thanked the massed villagers for their passionate welcome - "Thank you, good people of Auberdine. I have come to deliver you from the evils that besets your fair village from all sides.". Once the cheering died down, he continued. "But save the accolades and festivals. There is much work to be done before we can break bread and toast the safety of the village of Auberdine. I must go now and meet with your village elders so that we may devise plans of great cunning to crush your enemies."

(Guumbah did start making the speech above - to the two fisherman on the dock. Unfortunately, one of the fisherman happen to get a bite at the same time Guumbah started his speech, and jerked on the line a bit too enthustiastically, causing a freshly caught Darkshore Grouper to drop right down the back of Guumbah's plate vest. This turned out to be a bit too much for Guumbah, who yelled "I just had this armor cleaned! And my hair!" as he sped off towards the Inn. - Lex)

Guumbah looked into the worried faces of the village elders. It seems that a major part of the food supply of Auberdine had been cut off recently due to the appearance of Stormscale Nagas. The village was in dire straits. If this food supply wasn't quickly resumed the whole village could die of starvation. Guumbah leaped to his feet and said "Say no more! I will have your food supply secured before the week is out!" Guumbah strode out of the room as the village elders cheered.

(Umm, I wouldn't say that the food supply of the village was in dire straits. What really happened was that the cook at the Inn needed some mushrooms for a meal he was preparing for a group of visiting dignitaries. He was paying anyone that could swing a sword to go and try to pluck a few mushrooms out of a cave that had been overrun by Stormscale Nagas. According to the cook, he wasn't even going to offer to pay Guumbah for harvesting mushrooms. He said (and I quote) "I knew it was a bad idea, sending that fool in for mushrooms. It took him three tries to re-sheath his sword after he pulled it out. But I will admit, he did have nice looking hair." - Lex)

When Guumbah arrived at the gates of Auberdine he was greeted by a host of adventurers begging to be included in this vital mission. After much contemplation Guumbah selected four fearless companions for this quest, saying "Although the outcome of this quest is certain victory, I shall take these brave novices and mold them in my warrior traditions, so that they may in the fullness of time set out in the world to achieve their own fame and fortune."

(It turns out that one of the "brave novices" that Guumbah had "selected" for this mission was in the Auberdine Inn the night of my aborted recitation. Contrary to what the story says, Guumbah had approached them to ask to join their party. Actually, it was more like "begged". It seems that Goombah had been spending a bit too much money on hair care products (Murloc essence is rather pricey these days), and needed to make some money so that he wasn't thrown out of the Auberdine Inn. The "brave novice" in question was Hrolf, a Dwarven warrior of some repute. He said "Well, at first we weren't going to take him - I mean come on, the armor that that stupid elf was wearing was ceremonial armor - pretty to look at, but one hit with a stick and you're spitting dirt out of your mouth at a spirit healer". He continued - "But, we needed someone to carry the gear for our scouting mission, so we let him tag along. I will say this - he did have good looking hair." - Lex)
Last edited by goomba_boy on 24 Nov 2004 07:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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The Battle Lay of Guumbah, Night Elf Warrior (cont)

Post by goomba_boy » 24 Nov 2004 02:01 pm

Guumbah and his party set out towards the east, searching for the enemy encampment of Stormscale Nagas that were cutting off the food supply. On the second day of their journey the party was attacked by a throng of Grell in the ruins of Bashal'Aran. At the time Guumbah was out scouting the territory ahead. Hearing the sounds of a pitched battle in his keen ears, he quickly returned to find his companions about to be overwhelmed by the multitudes of Grell. Wasting no time, Guumbah waded into battle, cleaving necks and sundering armor with every mighty swing of his broadsword. In no time at all the Grell were dispatched, leaving Guumbah's followers to wonder at his battle prowess.

(I still cringe when I think about writing this crap. As you might have guessed by now, there were no hordes of Grell. There was one scout that heard Guumbah loudly complaining about the weight of the pack he was carrying. Knowing that if the scout wasn't dispatched quickly they would have a battle on their hands, Hrolf and his party made short work of him. After the brief fight, Hrolf found Guumbah kneeling over a still pond, combing his hair. "Didn't you hear us fighting, you twinkle-toed tree hugger?" he bellowed. "If that scout had made it back we would have been up to our tonkers in Grell!"

Guumbah yelled right back "Can't you see that I am having a major hair emergency here? If I don't get 100 brush strokes in every four hours I will have snarls that even Elune can't straighten out. Of course I should know better than to discuss proper hair maintenance with someone who thinks month old ale is a good mousse!" - Lex)


The day after the Grell battle, Guumbah and his party came across an encampment of enraged Furbolgs. As brave as his companions were, they were apprehensive to approach the camp, even though it was the only way to get to the hideout of the Stormscale Nagas. Guumbah realized that in order to get his novice adventurers across the Furbolg camp, he would have to provide a distraction, at great personal risk to himself. He quickly laid out a plan where he would move to the west side of the camp and cause a commotion, and as soon as the Furbolgs charged his location, the rest of the party would quickly make their way across the camp. Bolstered by this display of bravery, the rest of the party prepared for the dash across the camp. "But how will we know when it is the right time to go?" one of the novices asked. Guumbah replied "Don't worry about it - I think I can provide an adequate signal" as he grinned, an errant beam of sunlight sparkling off of his pearly white teeth.

(Well, at least the teeth part is right - they certainly are pearly white. When I talked with Hrolf's party about this part of Guumbah's adventure, Hrolf couldn't even bring himself to tell the story. He motioned for his lieutenant Petra to relate what happened.

"So we were skirting a furbolg encampment, right?" she grumbled. "You know what they are like when they find you in their territory. We were almost past the camp when that big-eared goof spots a dreamcatcher with some stupid feathers decorating it." Petra shook her head and continued "He jumps up, runs over and grabs the dreamcatcher! Of course he failed to notice that as he was running back the whole camp was hot on his heels."

She continued "We would have left that moron for dead if it wasn't for the fact that he trained those furbolg right back to us. As it was, we had a fight on our hands. We won, but barely. I had to restrain Hrolf from sending Guumbah back to the spirit healer when the fight was over. But as much as I hate to admit it, Guumbah did look good with those feathers in his hair." - Lex)


After enduring many perils, Guumbah and his party finally reached the cave where the <NAGA> were encamped. Knowing that the Stormscale Nagas warriors were more than a match for any of his novice fighters, Guumbah quickly laid out a battle plan where he would bear the brunt of the Naga attacks and the rest of the party would attack after he had weakened the enemy. Things were quickly thrown into disarray when a large party charged out from behind the waterfall entrance to the cave. The scores of creatures were almost much even for Guumbah, who was badly wounded while fighting valiantly to keep his comrades from a visit to the spirit healer. When the dust settled Guumbah stood victorious atop the corpses of his enemies.

(I had a little chat with a caretaker at the Darkshore cemetary. He told me that in all of his days he has never seen someone visit the spirit healer as many times as Guumbah did. He was being resurrected so many times that they were thinking about putting in a revolving headstone.

Hrolf was able to shed a little more light on the situation. "There was a waterfall right at the entrance, right?" he began. "You could see the guards waiting inside. And what does 'ol twinkle-toes do? He grabs a handful of bottles of hair soap and yells out 'Finally! It's been days since I've conditioned!' and runs right under the waterfall and starts washing his hair."

Petra picked up the story from this point. "It took a few seconds for the guards to get over their initial surprise, but when they did they turned Guumbah into an Elf-kebab. Since the element of surprise was lost, we decided to wait for Guumbah's wisp to get back from the spirit healer."

"Oh, but that's not all..." Hrolf mutters. "Rather than coming back to us when he rezzed, Guumbah's wisp charges back into the cavern entrance. Next thing you hear is Guumbah yelling something about them stealing his hairbrush. Sure enough, a minute later his wisp goes zipping by and back into the cave again. I think I actually got a tan from his wisp flying by so many times."

"We finally got tired of watching the light show and waded into the guards." Hrolf continued. "We went in right after Guumbah's wisp went by because we figured that the guards would be distracted by laughing at that idiot elf. Sure enough - we caught them right as they were putting on a little pantomime with Guumbah's corpse - I don't speak Naga but it sounded like 'Shnaaka kpaarl ag ag pulkt! Drugruna ishk pbloop akwanak!*' ".

* Here comes the mighty elf warrior with the nice hair - please don't hurt us, Mr. Elf! - Lex)

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The Battle Lay of Guumbah, Night Elf Warrior (cont)

Post by goomba_boy » 24 Nov 2004 02:03 pm

With the guards vanquished, Guumbah set about bandaging and rendering aid to himself and his compatriots. Once the party was back on their feet Guumbah led them into the murky darkness of the cavern. After dispatching several patrolling guards Guumbah and his brave apprentices finally located the leaders of the Stormscale Naga raiders. It was time to put an end to these raiders. Digging deep into his pack Guumbah pulled out several sticks of dynamite and handed them out to the party members. "Place these around the edges of this cavern" Guumbah whispered - "When we set them off they will bring down the roof of the cavern, completely burying these raiders.". Acting quickly, the charges were placed and timers were set. Guumbah led the group back into cover a safe distance away. Seconds later, an explosion reverberated throughout the cavern. The Stormscale Naga raiders had been vanquished.

("Ooohhh - I almost forgot about the dynamite!" Petra says. "We had packed enough dynamite to raze Mount Hyjal for this quest, with the plan that we would simply bury the Naga in their caverns rather than fight them one by one. But when we located the critical stress points in the caverns we discovered that our dynamite was nowhere to be found".

"I was ready to kill that idiot elf all over again" Hrolf raged. "Somewhere along the way that goof tossed out all of our dynamite to make room for his hair care products. I should have known something was up when he ran into the waterfall - he had to have at least 4 or 5 bottles of hair soap and other elvish crap with him".

"Fortunately, Petra is quite the crack alchemist." he continued. "After wrestling Guumbah's hair care concoctions away from him she discovered that she could cook up a rather powerful explosive from the various potions and essences in those bottles."

Petra chimed in "We briefly considered stuffing Guumbah into the blast hole as tamping, but we did need to carry a load of mushrooms out, so we let him live." - Lex)


Thus ends the Lay of Guumbah - the valiant Elf Warrior that single-handedly saved the village of Auberdine from starvation. Even though Guumbah has moved on to save other lands by virtue of his mighty battle skills, his memory will always live on in the hearts and minds of the people of Auberdine.

(I haven't seen Guumbah since my aborted reading of this tale in the Auberdine Inn common room. As I was finishing my discussion with Hrolf and Petra they mentioned that they were planning to have a little talk with Guumbah about this story, but to date they deny that they have seen him.

Interestingly enough, I was walking along the shore north of Auberdine the other day and noticed a party of Murlocs camping around a sea creature carcass. Rather than tangle with those slimy gill-breathers I decided to take a small detour around their camp. As I was climbing up in the dunes along the shore I caught sight of something shiny in the water right next to three or four of the Murlocs - it almost looked like a suit of ceremonial armor.

Oh and before I forget - I must say that I have never seen such nice looking hair on a group of Murlocs. - Lex)

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