Stranger in a Short Land

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goomba_boy
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Stranger in a Short Land

Post by goomba_boy » 10 Dec 2004 03:44 pm

Now that I have that other story out of my head, it's time to start putting together the REAL back story for Guumbah, racially confused Night Elf. As you can see, I'm still making feeble attempts at humor. Here is part one:



*THUD*

*THUD*

*THUD*

The monstrous beast was approaching. Every footfall made the ground shake like a gnome sitting on a bare power cable. If I didn't time this just right it would be all over for me. Time to move.

I sprinted out from my hiding spot in the bushes, my weapon of choice tightly gripped in my hand. I had chosen my time well - the beast did not see me crossing mere yards in front of it's path. As soon as I reached my target spot I quickly activated the weapon and placed it on the ground. Right where the beast was about to step.

I finished my mad dash by diving into a thicket on the opposite side of the road, immediately turning back to see if my painstakingly executed trap was going to work. The foot was already in the air as I peeked out - coming closer...closer...and YES! It landed right on my trap!

Time slowed as I watched my cunning trap take effect...

The massive foot of the Ancient started sliding forward slowly...

Out of the corner of my eye I could see eyebrows raising and the mouth of the Ancient shaping into an agonized "O".

Overbalanced by the still-sliding foot, the Ancient began to topple backwards...

Rootlike toes of the foot still on the ground dug in frantically for purchase, but it was too little too late...

The trapped foot, now moving rapidly, left the ground completely. My expended trap was just visible as a yellow smear on the bottom...

An agonized groan escaped the mouth of the Ancient "OOOOooooooOOOOOOoooooosssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiii..."

*SLAM!*

The Ancient was down! Leaves cascaded down as the shock wave from the falling Ancient violently shook nearby trees. A full nest of Stigrid Owl hatchlings thumped down in the middle of the path. Who knew you could take down a full grown Ancient with a Tel'Abim banana peel? This was going to be worth a few pints at the inn later tonite!

"GUUMBAH!"

Belatedly I realized that I should have gotten out of there right away. Or at least eaten the incriminating banana that was still in my other hand. Heck, they probably were still listening to the echoes of that impact all the way over in Darnassus. Prying my eyes away from the horizontal Ancient, I see Sentinel Kyra Starsong sprinting down the path towards me.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF ELUNE DID YOU DO?" she bellowed at me. "NOW WE HAVE TO CALL IN THE ARBOREAL ENGINEERS TO GET OUR PROTECTOR BACK ON HIS FEET AGAIN!"

Ancients aren't exactly famous for their flexibility.

Realizing that trying to help the Ancient back up was futile, Kyra turned to me and said "Guumbah, this time you've gone too far. You were warned by Arthridas after your last prank that you were facing expulsion. And now you go and do this!"

As shetook me by the arm to lead me back to the village I realized that I wasn't too upset about the prospect of leaving Dolanaar. As a matter of fact, it was probably about time to leave Teldrassil entirely. Noting the murderous expression on the face of the immobilized Ancient I decided that now was as good a time as any for an extended holiday.

Before we go too much farther in this tale I should introduce myself. I'm Guumbah, apprentice Night Elf Druid. Yes, I know what you are thinking - Night Elf... Druid... In balance and harmony with nature, right? Forget about it!

First off, I'm allergic to trees. Not just any trees - World Trees. That's right, I'm allergic to Teldrassil itself, as well as its offspring. You know what it is like trying to sneak up on a pissed off Timberling and then have a massive sneezing fit? You try looking graceful and elegant when you have a nose that runs like a leaky faucet.

And speaking of graceful and elegant, do you have any idea what it is like to try and date a Night Elf female? Let me give you a taste; "Ale? I can't drink ale - you know how fattening that is?" and "Hunt Ursa? With my hair looking like this? And you still haven't bought me a bow cover that matches my eyes!".

The males are no better. Don't believe me? Try this - find a group of Night Elf males coming in from an overnight hunt and get between them and a mirror. You'll have more footprints on your back than the door matte at a Stormwind brothel.

Oops. I guess I got a bit off track there. Sorry about that. Anyway, things went about as I expected back in Dolanaar:

Arthridas Bearmantle briefly glanced at the other members of the tribunal. "It is unanimous. You are to be banned from the village of Dolanaar."

Reaching down, he picked up a gently smoking Fel Cone from the table. "Your exile begins today, and will last until the tree that will grow from this Fel Cone dies of old age. This should give you sufficient time to learn how to conduct yourself as a Night Elf and not as if you were a member of one of the lesser races."

As I took the cone from his hand, I was overcome by a sneezing fit. After it passed I wiped my eyes clear to see that I had accidentally sneezed all over Arthridas's ceremonial robes. Through gritted teeth he growled "Get that damn remorse tree planted and get the hell out of my village!".

After a failed attempt to plant my remorse tree in the public convenience (who doesn't want to have a tree around when nature calls?) I planted my remorse tree right next to the place where I had tripped the Ancient. As I dug the Arboreal Engineers from Darnassus were still working to get the Ancient upright again. With a friendly wave to the Ancient, I put the village of Dolanaar to my back and made my way out into the world.

I almost forgot - I'm posting these here as a kind of a "resume" for story writing. You know - "Oh, that Guumbah - he writes such riveting stories that we just have to have him in Sawed Off" ;-)

Seriously, if anyone would rather not see these here I'll stop. And I won't even take it personally.

Miinxx
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Post by Miinxx » 16 Dec 2004 12:04 am

Keepem coming. I find them pretty amusing.
Ex-EQ Fanatic and all around good guy!

Deru Namasteh
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Post by Deru Namasteh » 27 Dec 2004 08:16 am

I enjoyed your story, Guumbah.

It also explained why all Tel'Abim banana quests are now banned! :wink:

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